HELP!!!!!!!!!! I AM IN MY SEXUAL PRIME PEOPLE, HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

My friend sent me this email the other day…

Hi N,

Felt it was my duty as a fellow mum in sexual inertia to forward this on.

I belong to a website for new mums that sends me a daily email. The other day there was one labelled ‘libido’.

It was written by a woman saying that she and her husband are struggling to have sex because of her low libido. To counteract the problem they decide to make Wednesday night date night, (which will include a shag) and then they also factor in another shag on the weekend.

Dear god, bugger that. Firstly because I can’t imagine anything worse than having a schedule (7pm love, get your gear off!) and secondly because she was scheduling two shags a week. TWO!! Poor deprived Jack I thought to myself!

There were three responses to the woman’s post.

The first:

Holy crap, you guys are practically rabbits. We didn't have that much sex BEFORE our baby was born.

The second:

My libido got chucked out with the afterbirth

The third:

What is this libido you speak of? And where can I get one cheap.

See, it’s not just us.

Talk soon,

S xx

After I had stopped laughing, I started to cringe because my friend S is right. I know exactly how she feels. I know exactly how all those women feel. I am one of those women.

And I would venture to say that so are most new mothers.

It’s embarrassing and boring and annoying and irritating, and Gregory will be completely horrified that I’ve mentioned this at all, but lets be real people.

Regular sex (or lack thereof) post-baby is a serious, serious problem.

I am only 32.

According to my friend, the internet, I am smack bang in the middle of my sexual prime.

This is the reason women have babies in their twenties, so that when they hit their sexual peak, their pre-teen kids are at sleepovers on a Friday night, leaving the house free for vanilla scented candles, takeaway Thai, and a bit of a rumpy-pump on the living room floor.

When Miss Q is a pre-teen, I’ll be on the wrong side of forty.

Geez that seems old.

What is sex like when you’re forty?

Will I still be rumpy-pumping on the living room floor? Or will my back hurt and I’ll have to do the horizontal tango in a sensible place, like a bed?

How boring.

Now I’m depressed by the advent of sensible sex.

But first we have to get back to regular sex at all.

Lord I hope my mother-in-law doesn’t read this.

Or my mother.

Although I reckon if they did, they’d know exactly what I’m talking about.

I hope...