A RASH IN A SECRET PLACE

I have sustained a couple of Q injuries.

One of them is a useless thumb. Which yes, I realise the use of which is the only distinguishing factor between us and primates and my major reason for getting it fixed. Being classified – literally – as a monkey is not on today’s agenda.

It doesn’t help though, when the medical professionals whose advice you seek offer this; ‘try to use it as little as possible.’

Thank you Captain Obvious. I’ll pick up my 8-month-old child who cannot walk yet with my teeth then shall I?

My other injury is a rash. No, not in a ‘secret place’ like the cleaner at my husband’s work informed him yesterday.

‘Chef. I have infection.’

‘Oh no, where?’

‘In my secret place, chef. Do not tell.’

No, my rash is quite visible. It’s all over my body, particularly my back, neck and face. I get it from the coating on some vitamin pills.

Pills I’m on because Miss Q was sucking the life out of me, and the medicos were trying to boost my energy levels.

Seriously. I have an allergy to the coating on vitamin pills. How lame.

So here I am with my gammy thumb, thirty dollars worth of useless pills and a rash that makes me look like I’ve been attacked by a bear.

I am very attractive indeed.

I think I’ll have a lie down and see if it’s gone when I wake up…